Thursday, September 18, 2008

Disaster Movie: Review

Why la like that. Cinema has always been good to me, they've given me Star Wars, they gave me Pulp Fiction, Harry Potter, Lawrence of Arabia, Casablanca... how on earth can a fuck up called Disaster Movie be shown on the same medium as these other movies. 
You wanna know the plot to this shit? The whole movie is a parody of Cloverfield. The world is being hit with these disasters, earthquakes, meteors, tornadoes and the only way to stop it is by returning the Crystal Skull back on it's alter.
The fuck ups responsible for this mess is Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the guys who did Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and now they come out with a film that's worse than all the others combine. These muthafuckers, I want their goddamn heads dipped in Chili sauce, splattered over a tray on my door step tomorrow morning and I'll give the guy who does that my left nut! This guys must die. MUST DIE!
These movies have always known to be parodies. They come out and make "fun" or make references to whatever movie is popular at the time. And this this shit, they are spoofing movies that weren't even out yet at the time. Hancock, Sex and the City, Incredible Hulk, The Dark fuckin Knight, Iron Man. This is film making at it's downright sloppiest. I'll tell you what these assholes did, they went on youtube, looked at the trailers of popular movies and took the best scenes from it and string them together into one big piece of fuck.
And so I sit through the fuckin film only to reach the shitty climax where they introduce Indiana Black Midget Jones only to come out and tell the main character.... I'm you're father. WHAT??? Are these people even trying to make something bearable that isn't going to scar my cerebral cortex for life. These guys are the very worst people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing they exist in this world. They make lousy movies, earn millions ripping off idiots who go see them and the thing is that they are going to make more of them.
And you know what's sad? There's this wrestling scene in this movie between Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian all dressed up in tight leather and they still manage to fuck that up. I mean Kim Kardashian's tits are falling and flipping all over the place but the filmmakers instead zoom in on the most ridiculous of places. The zoom in on the boots, the zoom in on the nose.. FUCK.
The only thing I liked and the only thing these filmmakers parodied correctly was the writing style in Juno. And even that wasn't all that funny. The comedy in Disaster Movie hits every bottom rung of comedy. Shit jokes, fart jokes, puke jokes, silly slapstick. It's like they can't have a funny scene without shoving shit into peoples faces and having people beat each other for no fucking reason.
Whatever, I'm done talking about this movie. Now I need to go drink some whiskey and shoot drugs up my nose.

RATING: 0/10

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