Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Marmaduke: Review

Marmaduke! Or.... Some Kind Of Wonderful without Lea Thompson and lotso lotso CG dogs.
 So I'm lining up at the cinema to buy my ticket right, and the second I told the ticket guy, I wanna see Marmaduke.. He gave me that kind of look that I haven't seen since I was in high school. Let me tell you something, there were about 7 people in the theater and with the exception of me, the rest were all little children. I felt like a fucking pedophile in there. I had to keep telling myself, "This is for the review.. this is for the review..."
So Marmaduke is about an unnaturally large dog who moves with his human family to a new neighborhood and has to fit in the new high school there, i.e the playground. There he gets beat up by the school bully who happens to be dating the girl he likes and after an hour of lameness, he realizes that it's his best friend that he's really in love with all along.
Owen Wilson is the voice for Marmaduke and he does do a nice job in this but dude.. you totally picked the wrong script to make a comeback on after your attempted suicide. I wouldn't be surprised if Owen Wilson tries to kill himself again after watching this piece of shit.
This show hits every bottom rung of comedy there is. I have officially lost all the respect I used to have for William H. Macy. At one point in his life, this man was in movies like Fargo, Magnolia and The Cooler. Now, he's getting knocked over and being kicked in the balls by CG animated dogs for brainless kids to laugh at. Now I know where broken actors go to die.
Marmaduke is something that should have gone straight to DVD release. There is absolutely nothing that could draw in people to watch this other than the fact that there are a lot of celebrity voice actors in this, who don't even do a good job.And I also get the feeling that 20th Century Fox also didn't give a shit about this movie, otherwise they wouldn't have dumped it on the same weekend Toy Story 3 was released.
There is absolutely nothing in this film that can make me like it. My brain was literally telling my hands to dig their nails into the seat to prevent the rest of my body from running out of the theater on pure instinct. I just kept saying, "You paid RM11 for this.. you paid RM11 for this.. it's going to be over soon. You can do this Nicholas, just a few more minutes and then you can go.. Just hang in there buddy." But then it got to the ending and I swear my brain died. Three words. CGI. Dogs. Breakdancing.
But I do understand that this movie was intended for children. Clearly Marmaduke was not made to entertain anyone above the age of 7. But for God sakes...to all the parents out there.. Do you really want your children to watch this and grow up mentally retarded?

 RATING: 0/10

Sex and the City 2: Review

I hate these bitches. It made me sick to my stomach watching these superficial female characters indulge themselves in superficial luxury; giving regular woman watching the film unrealistic delusions of grandeur.
The film centers on the four main characters at a turning point in their lives. They're basically getting bored with their daily routines and shit. Yeah like people will ever get bored living in luxury in NYC. So anyway, by a looong stretch, Samantha runs into an old boyfriend who's doing a movie and she meets the film's financier who invites her and her friends to a vacation in Abu Dhabi. The rest is pure, senseless woman porn.
Seriously. So I'm watching this movie right.. and the only thing I keep thinking of is how mindless the grounds this whole movie is based on. But as much as this film made no sense and had 3 very horrible women as main characters, women somehow still seem to like this film. Why girls? WHY?!
Now I've never watched Sex and the City when it had it's run on HBO but I did follow the plot line long enough to know who the 4 characters are and what they are like. And out of the 4, 3 of them were the most materialistic, selfish, megalomaniac perversion of female integrity I have ever seen. These women are horrible, horrible people. 
The second these women land in the Middle East, Sex and the City stop being a movie for me and more of an insulting piece of American racist stereotype shit on the cinema screen. I mean these women go over to a region of the world that has suffered so much war and exploitation from America and literally spit in their faces. They make fun of their culture, ridicule the way people dress there as being crimes of fashion, belittle Arab women and try to pass all this off as a feminist message.
We have Samantha's character being a whiny brat in front of the Arab police going, "Oh you guys are sexists! Women should be free to flash their titties and wear ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes and fuck whoever they want!" Sex and the City 2 really shows how ignorant and self-glorifying Americans can be. They even have a scene where the SATC girls are walking through the desert and comes across a bunch of women in abayah's and seconds later, these Arab women starts stripping to reveal Gucci, Valentino and Michael Korrs and dancing to trash European club music in the middle of the fucking desert, screaming "We love America!" And I'm not making any of this shit up.
The big problem why this movie and the movie before it failed so hard is because they are in a much longer format than the 30 minute show. These characters just aren't designed to sustain a plot longer than 30 minutes. Cause we realize the more time we spend with them, the more they seem like cold, materialistic, heartless bitches. And the way this film was written certainly didn't help ease the brain aneurysm I was experiencing in the cinema.
But this film did have it's redeeming moment. Two moments actually. Where the original maturity of Sex and the City came back. Mainly with Charlotte who is the only female character who is acting like an adult. There is a scene with her and Cynthia Nixon's character talking about motherhood which I felt was really great. Another scene was one with Chris Noth who comes in and totally owns Sarah Jessica Parker's brat character by simply saying, "How do I handle you? Well.. I'm an adult." And I was like, "GHEAAAH!!"
But seriously, avoid this shit like H1N1. It's a racist, unfunny, boring, mindless version of Twilight for delusional women who've hit menopause.

RATING: 2/10

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Peter Jackson May Direct The Hobbit

With the departure of Guillermo del Toro from directing the two Hobbit movies last month, Peter Jackson; the man who first introduced us to the world of Middle Earth and the Lord of the Rings series is in negotiations to replace del Toro as director. Warner Bros. reports that nothing is confirmed yet
But for some reason I'm not too crazy bout the idea. I don't know.. Peter Jackson did pull off one of the greatest trilogies in cinema history and broke new ground in fantasy genre, but I think that the LOTR prequels need new direction. A fresh take if you will.
If I had it my way.. I'd have Tarsem Singh step in to direct The Hobbit. Now, ya'll might not know him.. but he directed one of the greatest undiscovered film of the 21st century called The Fall.Here's a few stills from that amazing movie.
But that's just my opinion. I'm sure Peter Jackson will still do an amazing. But if doesn't happen.. who would you like to see direct The Hobbit?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Daniel Radcliffe To Star In All Quiet on the Western Front

With Harry Potter ending next summer, Daniel Radcliffe has found himself a new project to work on. And OMG is it legendary.
Radcliffe is set to star in the remake of the 1930 war classic All Quiet on the Western Front. Now that may not mean much to you, but this is in every way epic! Why? Because the movie All Quiet on the Western Front was the very first feature length war film ever to be made in the history of cinema. And the third film in history to win Best Picture.
And you know what? This couldn't have happened to a nicer guy than Daniel Radcliffe. He better not screw this up. The new adaptation will written by Ian Stokell and Lesley Paterson, who are also producing, but no director or other cast members have been announced yet.

New Clip From The Last Airbender

Yo. So okay.. I got this email from some chick from Banyan Branch telling me about this new promo clip for M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of the Nickelodeon series The Last Airbender. The clip doesn't feature anything that interesting except a brief appearance of Momo which I think looks totally awesome.

Check it out:
The Last Airbender is set to premiere in July and while I do think this film is going to suck ass compared to the epicness of the cartoon series, I am a very big fan of Shyamalan and he just might pull this off.

Really keeping my fingers crossed for this one. Please please please be good.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Toy Story 3: Review

Now wait a fucking minute. This movie got a 98% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes? 9.3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and ranked No. 7 on the 250 Greatest Films of All-Time? You know what I say to that? BULLSHIT! Why isn't this movie in the Top 3?!
What kind of radioactive performance enhancing drug are the people in Pixar taking? These people just can't make a bad movie. I don't think it even computes for them. Every single film- EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FILM they make is a masterpiece in itself and Toy Story 3 makes a mockery out of all of them combined.
I'm going to put my balls on the line and say this right off the bat that Toy Story 3 is going to win Best Picture at the Oscars next year. There's no other way. It is time Academy. It should have happened with Wall·E, it should have happened with Up, but now you have no other excuse but to give Toy Story 3 that gold statue.
Toy Story 3 takes place 11 years after the second one. Andy is 17 and is leaving for college. The toys get mistakenly donated to Sunnyside Day Care which at first seems like a retirement paradise for toys but turns into a prison. The toys has to find a way to break out of the daycare and get Woody back to Andy before he leaves. And this is just the bare skeleton of the film. I left out all the laugh out loud and tear jerking subplots this film has.
Toy Story 3 is Pixar's crowning glory. It shows how far the company has come since it's first feature. The film is much darker than the previous two, the animation is on standard with the brilliance of How To Train Your Dragon, the way it is written is so much more mature and yet it never loses the original flavor of Toy Story. Pixar really does care about this franchise. They didn't sit there and churned out an average film because they know it will still make millions. No. They really sat down, and thought through a finale that would do justice to the legacy of the Toy Story franchise and do justice to the fans.
Sitting in that theater, it was like the Lost finale all over again. This film fits in 3 movies in the 1 hour 30 minutes it is on screen. The first is a prison escape movie where the toys are planning their escape from the day care. I mean, if Frank Capra directed The Shawshank Redemption.. you'd get Toy Story 3. The film is just riddled with so many homages and references to classic prison films. Cool Hand Luke, Escape From Alcatraz and The Great Escape to name a few.
Let me remind you that this is a movie about soft toys and is made to cater for children. And yet it is so compelling to watch. The suspense they have in this is so mind blowing. I felt like I was watching Return of The King all over again. It was just that epic in scale and how Pixar pulls it all off is just so imaginative and brilliant.
The second is the adventurous comedy movie which is peppered through the entire film. You thought Up was hilarious? This movie had me laughing my ass off through the entire film. And the great thing about it is, the comedy they use here is very smart and works on both kids and adults without using any cheap fart, poop, vomit or slapstick jokes. Spanish Buzz Light Year aside.. you won't believe the crazy shit Pixar does in this film. Now I don't wanna spoil anything for you. I'll just say Mr. Potato Head + a tortilla.
The third is a very emotionally charged drama film. I can safely say no other film can make me laugh so hard and then have me crying my eyes out 3 minutes later. And I mean this literally. The ending of this film is just so sad. I feel sorry for you if you didn't at least feel sadness watching how it all ends for the toys and their owner.
And there is another scene which takes place in an incinerator. Now I don't wanna say too much about this one, but remember how sad the Carl & Ellie montage was in Up? This scene is probably the most gut-wrenching, heart-warming, tear jerking things I might possibly ever experience. Jesus Christ, I just might cry thinking about it again.
I was pondering on what rating I was going to give this film while I was watching it. I was set at a 10/10 throughout, then it got to the ending and I finally realized that no rating can ever do this film justice.

RATING: Wooooooooooooooow

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